A free t-shirt to the reader who guesses where I was when I heard the following this past weekend (from two separate men):

Man #1: "Hello, beautiful."

Man #2: "How do you keep your cute little figure? You must work hard at it."


Any guesses?

A bar? A party? A dance club?

Correct answer: Church.

That's right. Church. My church. Where my husband serves as pastor.

The first line was technically delivered after the service was over, as I was walking to get in line for the potluck being held that day. The second line was delivered right smack in the middle of worship, as I was walking up to the communion table. It came from the man I had been sitting next to all service, a man who was now standing behind me as we filed into line.

I didn't know how to respond to either of these comments. It's not that I didn't know how they made me feel: they both made me uncomfortable, and the second comment in particular made me feel quite vulnerable. (What part of my "cute little figure" was he looking at as he decided to pose his question to me?)

Had I been at work or in public, I probably would have responded with a polite yet firm "Please call me Ms. Gulden" to the first comment or "That's an inappropriate question" to the second. But instead I offerered only an annoyed sigh.

Why is that? Why didn't I know how to repond to these comments in my own church? Why do I think I would have reponded differently in a different context?

I seem to have a similarly difficult time standing up to such comments (directed either at me or at others) when they originate from members of my family or my husband's family. Again, why is that?

I talked with my husband after church about these two incidents, and he and I agreed that we both need to address such comments head-on when we hear them. I, as a woman, need to continue to learn how to assert myself and demand basic respect from others. He, as a man, needs to talk to other men and help them to understand why such comments are harmful and unacceptable.

But it needs to move beyond that. The church as a whole needs to remember that sexim and racism and other forms of discrimination are real. And they are alive and well in the church. We need to continue to struggle with how to rid our communities of these sins so that we can truly become the community that God created us to be: the beloved community, a community of justice and wholeness and peace--shalom.