Well, he's engaged, really. My baby, that is.

I went to the doctor yesterday, and she informed me that my baby's head has dropped (or "engaged") into my pelvis. It sounds painful, and to be honest, it kind of is. It also causes me to waddle a bit.

I'm in my 37th week of pregnancy now. 36 down, 4 to go. All in all, I have to say that I have enjoyed being pregnant. It has made me more aware of my body and myself, but it has also made me more aware of other people. I can’t really explain why this is, except perhaps for the fact that during the last 9 months, I have never really been alone: there has always been “an other” with me.

My friend asked me the other day if I felt like I had lost any part of myself to this baby growing inside me. I had to think for a minute about her question, but I concluded that no, I had not lost myself. For some reason he had not allowed me to do so. In contrast, he has instead made me aware of his complete otherness. While he is entirely dependent on me and on my body for his survival, he is neither me nor my body. He is an other. And as such, he demands that I look beyond myself when I feel him, or think of him, or imagine how he looks.

This is a blessing, because I tend to forget to see the people around me as others. Instead of losing myself in them, I tend to lose them in me. I am—like many of us—pretty self-centered most of the time. But what genuine community calls us toward is “to love our neighbor as ourselves,” which means loving ourselves (i.e. not losing ourselves in others), and loving others (i.e. not losing others in us).

For the time being, I have that genuine communion with my child. I am not naïve enough to believe this will always be there, but while it is, I cherish it. This is the type of communion I strive for with my husband. It is the type of communion I strive for with my friends and with my church.

We were not created to be alone. Humankind was created to be in community. This is no small or easy task: we continually fight against losing ourselves or annihilating others. But it is what we are called to do, who we were created to be. And when we get close to doing it right, it is divine.

Noelle