Yeah, yeah…so it’s been a few days. After countless hours of analysis and self deprecation, it has been concluded that Noelle and yours truly simply do not have the “blogger’s knack.” Let me give you an idea of exactly what this means. It goes something like this:
Noelle: Katie, are you busy right now?
Katie: No, Noelle. What can I do for you?
Noelle: Well, um, I uh, was just, uh, wondering…
Katie: OH NO! I WILL NOT BLOG FOR YOU.
Noelle: But Katie, I am in my third trimester (that means nothing to me) and I am tired and don’t feel well and the baby is kicking and blogging might affect its health” and so on and so forth.
Just kidding, Noelle doesn’t really say those things to me, but some days it is a battle over who will or will not blog. This is all to say, after a pernicious, malicious and oh-so-sassy encounter…I LOST to the powerful pregnant one.

On another note, how about “service?” It has been on my mind since my alma mater asked me to write an essay on “Service & the Self.” What do I know about service? Probably not much, but I did manage to think of a few things I’d like to share. Here’s one.

I once stayed at a Benedictine monastery while on a discernment retreat, and I heard the most wonderful and heartbreaking story. Mother Teresa took her ministry to the streets after experiencing God’s powerful and real voice inside of her, telling her she was needed there. But she never experienced that kind of calling, so loud and so clear, ever again. She lived in constant darkness for the rest of her life, never knowing again what to do or where to go. Yet she remained faithful to the darkness, and she continued to serve. That is darkness, pain, and loneliness that I cannot even imagine.

Service, for me, is like this: God rarely gives us specific, map-quested directions telling us exactly where to go and whom to serve. More often our paths and lives of service will be a kaleidoscope of joy, despair, comfort, pain, doubt, and confusion. The beautiful thing is that we get to make our own decisions. God isn’t “out there” controlling our every thought and manipulating each move. God is within and around and here and there, breathing life into us and letting us wander, sometimes even into darkness.

And when the darkness comes knocking?

Well, I think of a William Blake line: “And we are put on earth a little space that we may learn to bear the beams of love.” Maybe that is another way to view service. Service is not only about loving it is also about being loved — allowing others to meet your needs and to serve you. So I say let the darkness be your womb when you need it to be. Steep in it. Remain in it. Risk being alone and feeling lonely. Bask in the glory of light when you have it, but don’t be afraid to get down and dirty with the darkness.

Shalom, all you garden gnomes…
-katie

Hi Katie,
For someone who really doesn't want to blog you certainly have written an interesting one. I thought you might be interested in this article on Mother Teresa's "dark night of the soul" at First Things' web site, http://www.firstthings.com/ftissues/ft0305/articles/zaleski.html.

The wonderful thing about this kind of faith in Jesus is objectively believing although the person does not sense the presence of Christ.
I liked this statement in the article, “the only remedy is to despise the whole thing, and pay no attention to it—except (of course) to assure our Lord that one is ready to suffer from it as long as he wishes.” The “feeling of not having any faith” is painful because it is an authentic purgation, during which “faith is really particularly strong all the time,” and one is being brought into closer union with the suffering Christ.
I think my thought here is its notso much the darkness we embrace but Jesus Christ, although we may not feel his presence.
Thanks for writing an interesting blog.
In Christ,
Viola Larson